The sun bulged down on the city of Malenia. An eye-catching girl, called lorraine, was thrilled the sun was out. After months of rain and thunder Lorraine can finally go outside. she grabbed her laptop and before you can say abracadabra Lorraine was out of the house.
Lorraine wanted to sunbathe listening to her laptop,but when she lifted the lid BANG! her laptop exploded. “What happened!” explained Lorraine.
“MUM” Lorraine screamed half angry half scared.
“yes lorry?” Her mum always called her lorry
“DONT CALL ME THAT MY LAPTOP BROKE!”
“ Who of earth could of done that?”
The end is only the beginning...
i liked the description of the sun but sort of has nothing to do with the laptop breaking - maybe it goes too quickly to another subject.
ReplyDeleteIt has good adjectives but read through and make sure it makes sense!
ReplyDeletelike the description and adjectives
ReplyDeletegood grammar well done
ReplyDeletecool!
ReplyDeletei like the ending the end is only the begining...
ReplyDeletelike the description but doesn't make sense :)
ReplyDeletegood start
ReplyDeletegood words eg
eye catching
onomatopoeia eg
bang
great description
ReplyDeletei like that you put the end is only the begining
ReplyDeletegreat description
ReplyDeleteGood description especiallt about the sun
ReplyDeleteLots Of Onomatopoeia And Very Descriptive But Missing Punctuation
ReplyDeleteGood simalie.
ReplyDeletean empowering story
ReplyDeleteyou blown my eyes out
ReplyDeletei like the everything very good ;)
ReplyDeleteI like it I like it alot
ReplyDeletegreat descriptive words
ReplyDeletegood :^)
ReplyDelete